Obsessions and Confessions

Noah: We went to a bridal shower this weekend and I was so nervous that Noah would cry the whole time like he has been doing in public. But he didn’t! He was such a good boy! Granted he slept most of the time but when he was awake he was all smiles and even let people hold him. I was so relieved! He has also started try to lift himself up when lying down. If we lay him flat he tries to pull himself into a sitting position and gets about half way there (like he is doing a crunch). He must have some pretty strong tummy muscles. He can also lift himself up on his arms while doing tummy time (which he HATES most of the time). It is becoming increasingly more difficult to feed him a bottle as he is so busy looking around that he doesn’t want to eat. But I won’t worry, he is clearly not starving. He has his 4 month check-up on Wednesday where we will find out how much he has grown. He is able to fit into 6 month clothing now and I am constantly amazed at how much he changes every day. He has also started to “fake cough.” I noticed the other morning that when he was sitting in his bumbo and watched me walk out of the room for a moment he did a “fake cough”. I think he does it to get attention, too cute!

My New Obsession: I have a new obsession. I have been a scrap booker for several years although recently I haven’t really done it much because I don’t have the space or the money to dedicate to the hobby. Well, this weekend I discovered digital scrapbooking and I’m already hooked! I never even knew you could do such a thing. It is just like traditional scrapbooking (paper, elements, embellishments, ribbons, etc.) only it is all digitally done. Now I’m going crazy making scrapbook pages. My new project that I am working on currently is a recipe book made with Shawn’s grandmother’s recipes. I’m going to make a book and then send it somewhere to be printed and then give it out as gifts for the holidays. I honestly feels really good to have a creative outlet once again. I do feel bad for my obsession right now through because it seems like I am on the computer every night and poor Shawn never gets to use it. Does anyone else share this obsession?

Confessions:

Confession 1: I am having a hard time losing my baby weight. I was never a skinny gal to begin with, in fact I have always been chunky, but my body shape seems to have changed and I HATE it! I have gone up at least 2 sizes in pants. I am still wearing my maternity pants because they are the only things that still fit me and make me feel comfortable. The crazy thing is I weigh the same as I did before I got pregnant, only now I have this yucky loose skin on my lower belly that just won’t go away. In all honesty I haven’t really done anything to help lose the weight, by the time we pick up Noah after work and get home it is usually 6:30 or 7:00 and we have to eat dinner and get Noah to bed and by then I am way too exhausted to exercise. I know I will never be skinny again, but every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of just how much damage PCOS has done to my body. When I went to a bridal shower this weekend there were quite a few other new mommies out there, most of which who had their babies much more recently than myself. All of these women were skinny and perky and looked great. It made me so self conscious to sit in the room with these women who just had babies in March and none of them even looked like they just had a baby. And here I was, mommy to a 4 month old and still sporting my big old jelly belly. Wow, what a way to make a girl feel like a fatty!

Confession 2: One of the biggest problems I dealt with while going through the early years of IF (maybe the first 3 years or so) was jealousy. I’m not saying that after the first three years I was jealously free, if you read my other blog you know that isn’t true, but as time went on I became somewhat more accepting of other’s fertility. While I was pregnant and after Noah was born up until recently I was able to accept other people’s pregnancies and such with no problem at all. I was even able to accept teenage pregnancies which would normally have thrown me into a temper tantrum before. Now I am finding those feeling of jealousy starting to creep up again. I am finding myself feeling jealous of people’s pregnancy announcements (not ones achieved by IF treatments but those “natural” or surprise pregnancies). The crazy thing is that I do not want another baby any time soon, if ever. But for some reason it just drives home the fact that I may never, and probably will never, be able to experience the feeling of surprise to find out that I am pregnant. I have to admit that I secretly hoped that having a baby might kick my body back into gear and that maybe, just maybe things would work the way they are supposed to. But, alas, it seems my body is just as broken as it was before. I got AF about a month and a half ago for the first time since Noah was born. I was surprised because I don’t usually get AFs at all on my own. Although I realized that maybe it was just because of the change in hormones in my body, I was hoping maybe it meant that my body somehow figured out how to ovulate. I marked on my calendar 28 days from CD1 (scowling at myself the whole time because if you have PCOS you know how silly it seems to think that AF would show up 28 days later) and waited. Well, AF was “due” almost 2 weeks ago and no appearance. So I guess it just drives home the fact that my body is still broken. I am surprised and disappointed at these feelings of jealousy. Why should I be jealous? I have am amazing little boy and I am so blessed to have him when there are so many of you out there still suffering. I guess I thought that maybe having a baby would “cure” my infertility, both physically and emotionally and I’m shocked to find it has done neither. Guess this is a new learning experience for me and I have come to the realization that IF will always be with me, no matter what.

One Year Ago Today

I had my egg retrieval. I cannot believe it has been a year already! I am amazed and in awe of the blessings that God has given me this past year. I will never forget the optimism, anticipation, and fear I felt on this day. On the next day, April 24, 2008 they called to tell me I had 12 embryos, one of them was my little miracle. Did I ever truly believe one year ago today that I would be where I am? I'm not sure. I was certaintly hopeful but I could never picture myself as a mother. So, happy creation day my little man!

The Big Move

Someone commented that I must have moved Noah to his own crib in his room because I used the word crib in my post. I was actually referring to the Pack N Play he sleeps in now which is right next to our bed…I was just being lazy and calling it a crib. But, that comment got me thinking. So, I am posing a question to all of you Mommies out there:

When did you move your little one to his/her/their crib in his/her/their own room? How did you make the move? Did you do it cold turkey one night or start out by taking naps in the crib? Noah has never even been in his crib once. He takes naps in his PNP or on mommy. I’m scared of waiting too long because I am afraid that the longer I wait the more “aware” he will be that something is changing and the more difficulty he will have adjusting. My MIL said she kept Shawn in her room until he was over a year old. Do I wait until he STTN every night? He STTN about ½ of the time right now. Any advise would be appreciated!

Pictures

I promied some updated pictures so here they are:

Here is what the easter bunny brought me this year!

Cutie!

At Noah's baptism.

Baptism again.

Always smiling!

I'm Back!!!!

Wow, I have been an extremely bad blogger. I guess I will start off by listing the reasons (excuses) why I have not updated my blog. Obviously, the number one reason is that I have been super busy at work and at home but when I do have a minute I just don’t know what to say. Is this supposed to be a blog about life as a Mommy? Does anyone want to read that? I’m not a stay at home Mom so what do I write about? However, I truly do miss blogging. I’m not even sure if anyone reads this anymore honestly. But here goes:

Since the last time I have updated my little guy has done a lot of growing. He has outgrown his newborn clothes and is in 3-6 months and can even wear some 6 month clothing. He is smiling and laughing and starting to coo like crazy. He is a good baby overall. We had some fussy times in the beginning when he was suffering from a lot of gas and we finally determined that he was lactose intolerant and has acid reflux. We switched him to Similac Sensitive RS and it seemed to cure most of his belly issues. He still cries before he poops like he might have some belly pain. He has also developed an aversion to large crowds. We are always around a lot of people and he has always been fine but the last two weeks or so he screams when he is in the room with a large group of people. He also does not want to be held by strangers. This new turn of events causes people who only see him in large groups to thinks he is a fussy baby. Buy he isn’t! He is a sweet little boy when he is with us or just a few people. I guess this is just a phase he is going though. The problem is that we can’t avoid going out in public. We are very active in our church and we are on the go a lot. I am assuming the more he is around people the more he will get used to it but for now it is so hard to hear him cry like that. Plus, when we do go out in public like church or a family party or something everyone wants to hold him which makes him cry even more. My poor little guy!

Other than that he is a little angel. He sleeps really well at night with the exception of trying to get him to fall asleep. He fights sleep like crazy! But once he is asleep he will either sleep through the night or wake up once for a bottle and then go back to sleep. My favorite thing is when he wakes up in the morning and I peek into his crib and say good morning and he gives me a big ole gummy smile. Love it!

I am truly happy, more happy than I have ever been before. I never forget to thank God every single day for all of the blessings He has given me. I love my husband even more than I ever thought possible. He is such a wonderful Daddy and it makes me so happy to see him with Noah. Noah is so lucky to have a Daddy like him. I never had a close relationship with my father and I hope that Noah and Shawn will always be close. I guess the fact that I am just so happy is why I am having problems finding things to blog about. But I promise I am going to try. I don’t want this time to go by and then look back one day and realize that I didn’t record any of it. I have been checking all of your blogs every so often but I haven’t been commenting, I promise I am going to try to do better at that too. In my next update I will include some pictures so you can see how my little guy has grown!