Obsessions and Confessions

Noah: We went to a bridal shower this weekend and I was so nervous that Noah would cry the whole time like he has been doing in public. But he didn’t! He was such a good boy! Granted he slept most of the time but when he was awake he was all smiles and even let people hold him. I was so relieved! He has also started try to lift himself up when lying down. If we lay him flat he tries to pull himself into a sitting position and gets about half way there (like he is doing a crunch). He must have some pretty strong tummy muscles. He can also lift himself up on his arms while doing tummy time (which he HATES most of the time). It is becoming increasingly more difficult to feed him a bottle as he is so busy looking around that he doesn’t want to eat. But I won’t worry, he is clearly not starving. He has his 4 month check-up on Wednesday where we will find out how much he has grown. He is able to fit into 6 month clothing now and I am constantly amazed at how much he changes every day. He has also started to “fake cough.” I noticed the other morning that when he was sitting in his bumbo and watched me walk out of the room for a moment he did a “fake cough”. I think he does it to get attention, too cute!

My New Obsession: I have a new obsession. I have been a scrap booker for several years although recently I haven’t really done it much because I don’t have the space or the money to dedicate to the hobby. Well, this weekend I discovered digital scrapbooking and I’m already hooked! I never even knew you could do such a thing. It is just like traditional scrapbooking (paper, elements, embellishments, ribbons, etc.) only it is all digitally done. Now I’m going crazy making scrapbook pages. My new project that I am working on currently is a recipe book made with Shawn’s grandmother’s recipes. I’m going to make a book and then send it somewhere to be printed and then give it out as gifts for the holidays. I honestly feels really good to have a creative outlet once again. I do feel bad for my obsession right now through because it seems like I am on the computer every night and poor Shawn never gets to use it. Does anyone else share this obsession?

Confessions:

Confession 1: I am having a hard time losing my baby weight. I was never a skinny gal to begin with, in fact I have always been chunky, but my body shape seems to have changed and I HATE it! I have gone up at least 2 sizes in pants. I am still wearing my maternity pants because they are the only things that still fit me and make me feel comfortable. The crazy thing is I weigh the same as I did before I got pregnant, only now I have this yucky loose skin on my lower belly that just won’t go away. In all honesty I haven’t really done anything to help lose the weight, by the time we pick up Noah after work and get home it is usually 6:30 or 7:00 and we have to eat dinner and get Noah to bed and by then I am way too exhausted to exercise. I know I will never be skinny again, but every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of just how much damage PCOS has done to my body. When I went to a bridal shower this weekend there were quite a few other new mommies out there, most of which who had their babies much more recently than myself. All of these women were skinny and perky and looked great. It made me so self conscious to sit in the room with these women who just had babies in March and none of them even looked like they just had a baby. And here I was, mommy to a 4 month old and still sporting my big old jelly belly. Wow, what a way to make a girl feel like a fatty!

Confession 2: One of the biggest problems I dealt with while going through the early years of IF (maybe the first 3 years or so) was jealousy. I’m not saying that after the first three years I was jealously free, if you read my other blog you know that isn’t true, but as time went on I became somewhat more accepting of other’s fertility. While I was pregnant and after Noah was born up until recently I was able to accept other people’s pregnancies and such with no problem at all. I was even able to accept teenage pregnancies which would normally have thrown me into a temper tantrum before. Now I am finding those feeling of jealousy starting to creep up again. I am finding myself feeling jealous of people’s pregnancy announcements (not ones achieved by IF treatments but those “natural” or surprise pregnancies). The crazy thing is that I do not want another baby any time soon, if ever. But for some reason it just drives home the fact that I may never, and probably will never, be able to experience the feeling of surprise to find out that I am pregnant. I have to admit that I secretly hoped that having a baby might kick my body back into gear and that maybe, just maybe things would work the way they are supposed to. But, alas, it seems my body is just as broken as it was before. I got AF about a month and a half ago for the first time since Noah was born. I was surprised because I don’t usually get AFs at all on my own. Although I realized that maybe it was just because of the change in hormones in my body, I was hoping maybe it meant that my body somehow figured out how to ovulate. I marked on my calendar 28 days from CD1 (scowling at myself the whole time because if you have PCOS you know how silly it seems to think that AF would show up 28 days later) and waited. Well, AF was “due” almost 2 weeks ago and no appearance. So I guess it just drives home the fact that my body is still broken. I am surprised and disappointed at these feelings of jealousy. Why should I be jealous? I have am amazing little boy and I am so blessed to have him when there are so many of you out there still suffering. I guess I thought that maybe having a baby would “cure” my infertility, both physically and emotionally and I’m shocked to find it has done neither. Guess this is a new learning experience for me and I have come to the realization that IF will always be with me, no matter what.